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hi guys. whats everyone up to?

so i go to school in the morning for the rehearsal thing for pbsm function.after that i think i have become the pbsm group's driver== drive choon yee home to get his key and edward to their hq to get the ambulance. i actually dont really mind to spend my time in this way, but im worried about the petrol which my mum always helps me to pay for.luckily my car isnt that type of using lots of petrol,that is why im still safe.but i always realise how blessed i am to be in such wonderful family,there are lots of things which i dont have to worry about,everytime when i get to know the petrol tank is almost empty, i will find it full the next day when i use my car again.im provided by my parents everything.when i want to learn up something, they allow ; or any trip i wish to join, i always get their permission ; any party at night , as long as i come back within the time no scoldings ; any outing, i can just drive out ; perhaps any activity i want to do all of a sudden , go ahead.oh my, i get all my freedom. sometimes, im wondering about my mum's faith on me,how can she believe in me so much where she isnt worried or perhaps spying or asking me.

congratulations to my brother to finally get rid of the stpm,i hope his results will be good enough to bring him to another level of studies, pursuing the career he really wants.i wish nothing but happiness for u always,no doubt. sometimes, i just wish he can have someone closed enough to share his happiness and sadness with, how i wish the one who plays this role is this family,but well, as long as there is someone out there reaching out for him when he needs , that would be good enough. i love him more than anyone can think of. lovely.

hmm, having good time at chatime , drinking the bubble tea.haha,its cute, i love this kind of cafe where they sell various cold drinks which looked lovely.this bunch of form 4s friends are always interesting, but i actually dont have faith in our everlasting friendship.well, of course i wish i can have unbreakable friendship with them where we are still connected when i leave school,but sad to say, i dont have faith in this.im always so possesive huh?i want to own everyone,but i sincerely wish my relationship with each others can be comfortable.its a very important key : all i often want in relationship is comfortable where silence doesnt make things go awkward but normal when we are together. i tend to get afraid when people try hard to please me and to create a topic to be talked about, or im the only one who do the talking all the while.i feel uncomfortable with this.anyway, these bunch of young fellows always make me feel unsafe with my belongings, such as laptop, car.ewwww, they spoilt my things T.T and about my safety, its risky to fetch them around.argghhh.

by the way,i go back to st john these days. i never want to give up the part of my life which im a st john member, never want to miss out creating more memories there,but sometimes, i just feel that i dont belong there anymore.im scared when i have to observe how adults think of my presence,im uncomfortable when i wanted to help sincerely but i have to feel awkward thinking of how should i react in front of adults,i get all tensed up when i start to accept orders to do things and i can feel the stress when the help has become my burden. yup, perhaps i should be the one walking one step forward for this, getting active,but im afraid to get locked there. there are always reasons for people to stay in somewhere, i regret for not building up relationship with other batches and people in there before i left.its not late for now, i always know the reason im staying.i love everything about it.its somewhere i have spent my years in there, learning and growing.its always a place which moulds me into who i am today, i never forget how it changed me to be a such a brave one.i got my courage and from there i own this world=)u cant imagine how things can change when u are not a coward anymore.there are things u can do beyond ur imagination when u reach this stage.hees*

anyway, zhan ming's words are always so inspiring. humans always love people who hurt them the most, i have this set in my mind,but he changed it. in other way, he said its because only people who we care can hurt us significantly.awww, so freaking true. well, i actually get along with him these days,he is such a good man in the end,perhaps a bit fussy,annoying but i like him being the one bossy when things go wrong.i know he will always speak up for people who need him, he is always the only reachable one=)

last but not least, to the one who i tend to hurt ,sorry to keep comparing u with others.i will do this subconsciously as u play an important part in my form 6 life who im always trying hard to reach out for when u are up there.perhaps our styles are too different, i thought two different worlds can be linked in the end when both sides put efforts, i know u did try. we both tried,and im not used to give up on relationship,of course i m not giving up on u.its just u are too used to run away from difficulties,its the hardest fact for me to accept and not to be disappointed again and again. i cared for u and i still care but i wish to tell u that,im not going to work out our relationship anymore, just let it be. it will be a good thing for me to not care about u anymore,u go your own way,im tired to link up ours and i will have my own path.